I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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