Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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