i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My cat gives me a boner
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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