Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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