k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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