Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
