I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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