Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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