Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
