I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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