Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
