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I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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