The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
