The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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