apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
we made out on top of his cat.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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