I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
