the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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