Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
