They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
