Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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