that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
