Non-Jews are for practice
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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