i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
