You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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