you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
