The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
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