im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
