Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
