the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
