I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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