All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
