So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
