I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
