Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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