Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
