when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My feet surprised me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
