You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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