...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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