Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
