6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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