i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
