I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
