I'm jealous of your bromance
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
