Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
