he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
