Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
