Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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