Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
