Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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