I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
