Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
